you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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