I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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