I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
