The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
