i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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