I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
