I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
