My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Someone came in the potted fern
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
