i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
