You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
