theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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