What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
