At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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