ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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