Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
