My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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