i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
