u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
