the condom got lost in my hair
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
