I will die if light touches me.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.