He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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