just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
