There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
