I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
