We got so high we made milksteak
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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