I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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