Sry I called you an 8
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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