I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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