my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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