I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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