So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
