She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
