Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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