we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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