Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
