Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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