I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
