If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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