The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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