He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
