he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
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Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
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I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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