By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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