its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
