Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
