I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
