What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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