if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize