He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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