Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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