Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
