When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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