Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
