totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
