Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
